so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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