the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
