you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
