Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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