On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
