mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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