Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
