Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
