why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
