The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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