At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
