i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
