everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
