2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
