Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
