I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
