I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
