her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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