hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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