It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
