But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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