Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
