I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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