I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Did you pee in the oven last night??
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
