theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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