Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
