we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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