then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
This is my gift to your gina
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Randomize
