We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
