Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
