forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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