Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
