i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
