please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
