please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
