Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Holy sore nipples Batman
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
