not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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