420 ftw
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
