please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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