The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
