ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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