Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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