Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
