I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
