All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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