Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
