apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
