i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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