I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
