Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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